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My Story of Triplet Loss

I will never forget going to my first scan very early into the pregnancy at around 5 weeks and being told there was one little sac but it was too early to tell if it would be a viable pregnancy so to come back in 2 weeks time. We went back 2 weeks later to be told there was not one heartbeat, but there were two, it was twins, we were over the moon and so grateful that the treatment had worked. 

 

Due to the high risk of a twin pregnancy they wanted us to go back two weeks later to make sure things were progressing well, which is when they found another healthy heartbeat hiding at the back. They were triplets!!!!

 

Two identical babies and a singleton. It was at this appointment when we came out and hubby said "I'm not sure if I want to come to the next scan", we were a bit shocked to say the least. 

 

From this point onwards, we were appointed to a specialist hospital in London for scans and monitoring every 2 weeks. 

 

At around 14 weeks into the pregnancy, during the scan the doctors discovered that the blood flow to one of the identical twins wasn't quite right, the flow wasn't as steady as it should of been, it was 40%, but there was nothing to do about it, we just had to wait to see how things would progress, as the weeks went on the blood flow got better, it was 50%, 60% all the way up to 80% and all 3 babies were growing well.

 

I went in every 2 weeks, everything was monitored very closely, the identical twins were growing well, the blood flow percentage increased every week, I studied the stats very closely after every appointment and prayed and thanked Allah with each bit of progress. 

 

My every single day and night revolved around making sure I was doing my utmost to keep these little girls safe, strong and growing well. I even studied my food, protein intake and consumed as much as I could daily. 

 

Everything seemed fine and we were told to be ready for birth at any point from 28 weeks onwards, the goal was to get to 32 weeks (full term for a triplet pregnancy) for a planned c-section. We set a potential date in the diary. 

 

However, the final birth date would determine where the babies would be born, if they were born before 28 weeks it would be at the specialist hospital, if we went past the 28 week mark it would be at the local hospital with a different specialist doctor assigned to me. 

 

The time of the birth, the location and the facilities available to my babies at birth were all completely unknown to us and would vary according to whenever my body went into labour, which no one had any control over whatsoever. 

 

This was extremely difficult for me as I had heard of stories where triplets that were separated to different hospitals due to lack of space in NICU (some as far as 2 hours away from home), I couldn't bear the thought of this and made this one of my biggest daily prayers. 

 

Oh Allah please don't separate my babies from me or from each other!

 

We got to the 28-week mark, and I finally felt a bit ready to start baby shopping and preparing for the birth. We began ordering 3 of everything, car seats, buggy, blankets, everything. Funnily enough we were struggling to find a triplet buggy we liked so we decided to get a double and a single buggy, we ordered them and would collect them a few weeks later. We also ordered the car seats, 2 arrived and the 3rd was out of stock until a few weeks later too. 

 

That week I didn't feel right, I was feeling discomfort and pain and thought I was going into labour. We went along to the next scan which was at 29 weeks. As soon as the sonographer started, I saw my baby and knew something was wrong. I told my husband straight away some things were not right, he told me to relax and be calm, but I knew!

 

At this point the doctors were unable to determine which of the babies had passed away, it was impossible for them to tell, but I knew which baby it was. I was certain with all my heart. They said if it was one of the identical twins, that there would be a 25% chance of brain damage to the other twin, so I needed to have an MRI to determine if there had been any brain damage to her. 

 

The damage wouldn't show right away so we had to wait 2 weeks. I remember going in for the MRI and just crying the whole time. It was tight, I was huge, and my belly was touching the top. It was horrible.

 

In those 2 weeks I felt numb, I was left with 3 babies, one had passed away, the other may have had brain damage and the other I had no knowledge of what was going on. It all felt very surreal, strange, almost like an outer body experience. I felt as though I was here on this earth in person but not in body or mind. It's very difficult to explain. 

 

I prayed like I have never prayed before. I knew my Lord would never burden me with a weight I could not carry, I knew that He knew what is good for me, so I held on to this and just prayed for the strength to get through this test. I prayed for Him to give me whatever was best for me, I prayed for Him to not separate me from my babies. I prayed for everything to just be ok. 

 

I felt guilty for not recognising that something was wrong which took me to a state of extreme anxiety and made me go to the hospital multiple times to just get the babies heartbeats checked. I had a really good relationship with my appointed specialist, she was extremely supportive and told me I could just take myself in for check-ups whenever I wanted, which I did. It really helped me get through the next 5 weeks. 

 

I made it to 34 weeks and then started to feel my body give way. It wasn't good. I was physically and mentally exhausted and couldn't continue. I took myself into hospital one last time, called my doctor and told her I cannot continue any more. 

 

The following morning the babies were delivered and what I had known in my heart all along was confirmed. It was my identical twin (Triplet A as she was known), that had returned back to her Lord. 

 

Even though there was so much of this pregnancy that proved to us all how we are not in control and that Allah has full control over everything, this is where I knew my Lord had heard my duas and was responding.  

 

I was still very much in survival mode but I remember being in recovery after the surgery and being told the first baby was breathing and drinking on her own and was discharged from NICU and taken up to the ward, then a little while later my husband came to tell me the second baby also was breathing and drinking milk on her own and was also taken up to the ward and discharged from NICU. 

 

My thoughts were racing from taking in this good news in and feeling extremely grateful, to then trying to figure out when someone will bring my deceased baby to me to hold for the first time and then let her go forever!

 

I remember waiting for that moment in recovery on my own. I knew there were other ladies on the ward but the place felt extremely silent. I was in my own world. 

 

She came in wrapped up and dressed in the clothing I had brought in for her to wear. I was advised to keep her covered as she was not in a good way. I only saw her little nose and lips, hands and feet. She was beautiful, tiny, so soft. She was my Rahma from my Lord!

 

The girls were tiny, especially Sara, she was so small I remember my brother coming in to see her for the first time and saying he felt like she should still be in the womb. I had a lot of pain from surgery, my body went into shock, and I developed extreme PUPP which took doctors days to diagnose and treat, in the meantime it was extremely painful and difficult. I was taken off all pain relief medication as they thought my body was allergic, there was so much going on.

 

It was on day 5 after giving birth that I discovered just how Allah had answered one of my biggest duas. Doctors had come in to check the weight of the babies and make sure they were OK. There was a discrepancy on Sara's records, her weight had been written down incorrectly by the ward staff. She was in fact, never meant to be on the ward, her birth weight did not qualify her to be on the ward, she was meant to be on the NICU ward all along! 

 

Allah literally adjusted the scales to allow my baby to not be separated from her mother. It was too late by this time, the doctors now could not take her back even though she wasn't quite still in the right weight range as she was edging closer every day. It was confusing to them but a huge comfort to me as I knew what had happened!

 

They openly admitted they had never been in this position before. Myself and Safiya had been discharged and were able to go home but they didn't want to separate us now that she had been next to me and got into a good routine with her feeding and sleeping. They couldn't send her back to NICU, I couldn't send Safiya home without me, so they had no choice but to find us a room for all 3 of us on the NICU floor but all together.  

 

We had made arrangements for the funeral for Rahma, it was horrible leaving Sara and Safiya with the staff at the hospital as I felt like I was abandoning them, but I had to go. I could barely walk. 

 

My body felt heavy, I felt weak!

 

I'm so glad we chose Gardens of Peace for my baby. We had so much support around us I'll never forget it. My Lord, my prayers, my faith is what got me through the most difficult test of my life, and my family!!!!

 

And when the doctors kept telling me it was my Sara that had passed away, I know even I'm His infinite mercy and wisdom that He left me Safiya so that I know exactly what my Rahma would look like on Earth, until I meet her again.

 

When we had discovered that the pregnancy was a triplet one, we decided for many reasons that were personal to us, that we would only tell a few close people there were three babies. We just wanted to focus on ourselves and the babies and didn't want to deal with any external comments, questions, or judgements of any sort. 

 

There are still some people to this day that do not know we had triplets and refer to the girls as twins, as do strangers when they see the girls when we're out, but this is fine with us as we know our girls were and will always be triplets. 

 

We choose to keep things simple and just keep silent when people refer to the girls as twins, sometimes it's just easier than having to explain. I firmly believe that when you suffer the loss of a child/ children, it's extremely important to trust your instinct to protect yourself and your family from any further pain and do what feels right for you. 

 

Sometimes I'm able to talk about the triplets and sometimes I simply can't, so I don't. What I felt during that time in my life was very personal, it is something that I keep very close to my heart.

 

There is no right or wrong way in dealing with loss, so I just do what feels right for me at the time and what my heart draws me to


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