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I have had a long grief journey – 24 years to be precise.

Updated: Jun 7

I have had a long grief journey – 24 years to be precise. My grief is a part of me now; it’s the love for my twins. It has been a rollercoaster: highs and lows, good times and difficult times, sad times and proud times. Grief comes in ebs and flows, it can be so intense especially to begin with, and it can also be feeling numb or angry, a feeling that is difficult to put your finger on, feeling anxious etc.

Stepping stones over a fast flowing river, knowing you might slip and fall in but trying to reach the other side. Sometimes it’s slippy or the stones are too far to reach. People can help though and hold your hand, supporting you as you cross. Or you can use tools to help. (coping mechanisms.) You’ll get to the other side but it’s a long journey and scary along the way.

I have been thinking about the effects of everyday life on grief, especially this year. After 24 birthdays I should know how I am going to feel, but it rarely works like that. I always find it helpful to have a plan on their birthday and usually find the lead up harder than the day but this year was different. My normal life stuff had taken over, I was feeling more anxious about things I can’t control. Spending too much time awake at night thinking. It impacted my grief. I was sadder, I felt flat, I cried more… I found their birthday difficult this year. 

I think it’s important to acknowledge that things that are going on around you and in other parts of your life inhibit your usual coping methods. It’s helpful to know.

It’s fine though, I know this journey well, it sometimes feels like it’s all I know. I’ll continue on the rollercoaster and probably have a steadier section soon, maybe a downhill.

I do wonder why our society thinks that grief goes away though. That’s why I share my thoughts and experiences. I’ll alway love and remember my boys and that is healthy.

“Grief is love with nowhere to go.”

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